C-3POs descent into Drugs, Desperation and Pornography - a tale of the late 70s and early 1980s!
Warning - NSFW materials though explicit nudity has been censored - adult subjects and sensitivity warning (Sex, adult films, drug abuse) so click forward being fairly warned! No kids obviously.
𝅘𝅥𝅰𝅘𝅥𝅲Doo Doo do do do DOOO doo𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅰
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It was a different time - a Shag-a-Delic time and like any other part in history it certainly had it's problems... But to children of that era the "X-ers" as we were later called (and HATED the term) Generation X, it was a magical time. While the adults complained about the economy and lectured us NOT to turn up the thermostat we were watching cartoons and puppets and reading piles of comics and books mostly bronze age (early 70s) got cheaply and watching re-runs, wondering what toy to buy or game we could play at the arcade...One of the biggest attractors of our attention and money and Santa wish lists was the "Star Wars" franchise. Ah the magic. I won't waste your time going over that - suggest watching "A New Hope" aka "Star Wars" and going through old original figures - even the Christmas special is by far better than anything Disney excretes!
But there was a wretched underside to this era. From the lingering ghost of racism and women fighting for recognition versus real, institutionalized sexism and homosexuals still had to be "In the Closet" for the most part there was also blatant drug abuse. The legacy of the 1960s was a wider acceptance of drugs but as the government had cracked down with no mercy on Marijuana, they ignored many other drugs letting them become epidemics. In recent years it has been METH (Crank in that era) that has morphed into Fentanyl and other designer drugs but for the 1970s it was Cocaine.
Cocaine became the drug of choice for many performers and other high $ but high-pressure professionals. It was estimated the New York stock exchange snorted a million dollars an hour of cocaine in their bathrooms and even small secret vials in their pockets for instance. To actors it became both a performance enhancer and eater of earnings to the point of poverty.
Thus C-3PO the pioneering hybrid artificial intelligence automaton fell to the all too human vice of drug addiction as his early neural network circuitry was enhanced by an accidental experiment with cocaine. It was rumored a groupie blew it on him at a party. Regardless he was amazed at how fast it made his circuits move into the upper Kilohertz and insights into humanity so he thought it would both enhance his cybernetic capabilities and make him more "Human". Some have remarked they might as well have let a literal CHILD in those rooms full of high powered celebrities, many with monsters in their own closets. The AI of decades ago was obviously very primitive to that of today so it was a computer feat to make an early hybrid system pass for human much less have reasonable skepticism and fear when friendly people present a very dangerous option like it is normal and expected...
Sadly C-3PO became all too human in that he had a fall from his fame into desperation and degeneracy. The initial residuals of Star Wars had come in and he was floating on money so the cost of Cocaine was at first nothing to him. He used it to dazzle others at top parties and keep one of the top names ensuring he'd never be removed from the franchise during Lucas's ownership. However, before he knew it he had blown literally all his money, been thrown out of his top rental mansion and was in desperate need of ever more Cocaine for his hybrid system to even function.
This led to his "Wretched" period of accusations of pickpocketing, shoplifting, petty crime on the streets. As C-3PO was more an automata than a modern advanced robot this was awkward and desperate and perhaps luckily he did not have the strength to overcome a child much less an adult male. The "luck" being no attempts at violent assaults or strong-arm robberies which would have ensured severe criminal and civil consequences not easy for Lucas to cover up as he did later.
Eventually rumors of his desperation brought the attention of the dark side of Hollywood aka the "Porn" producers or "Adult Entertainment Industry" as they wish to be called. Hollywood itself is quite predatory so they will gladly feed on each other and uncovered "Sex Tapes", "Nude model photoshoots" are a good source of revenue or blackmail as is the downfall of a "Star"...
C-3PO was approached by producers of adult films and offered a few thousand dollars. This was a pittance even for the economy of the time in comparison to his stardom and the risk of the contract with George Lucas. However, his hybrid circuits were now barely functional and he'd not meet even the standards of AIs from previous eras such as the Eliza program which could be ran on home computer systems casually in the 'modern' era. His next official royalty check was weeks away and likely it had been promised to loan sharks over past indulgences. The film company at least paid him the pittance and settled with his "creditors" - but also supplied more of the illegal drug (Cocaine) he was now heavily addicted to to ensure his behavior would be directed to their needs.
It was rumored they had to even prop him up to get him to stand in some scenes with hidden supports and it took a medical injection of liquid cocaine to get him to perform. Still - as this censored image demonstrates - he was made for ... "Human cyborg relations"...so he was able to perform his role adequately for the lowest end of cinema at least.
The end result of weeks of filming and some over-enthusiastic backyard special effects was a forgettable film of the late/post "Porn Chiq" era. (2) Sadly "Adult films" quickly submerged back into cheap productions and the focus only on graphic viewing versus literature/art once the need for it to overcome censorship ended with expanded mainstream appeal.
The crude for even the time SFX - namely appropriated hobby store models turned into space scifi stuff and painted on film cel "Laser" glows led to Lucas himself discovering this as the FX team were fans of Lucasarts and their pictures and pleas for advice led to questions which led to more questions and disclosures. Lucasfilm certainly did not own the ships used in the adult film's sfx and space scenes and all of this was a 'tribute' to decades of classic sci-fi - BUT - they did have an exclusive contract with Daniels, INC. the parent company that made the hybrid systems used to make C-3PO and thus his likeness was trademarked.
The company had tried to make other hybrid mobile systems but these were sold on bankruptcy to the rock band "Styx" and were featured in their "Mr Roboto" film and now patrol the mansions large basement area acting as guards for their 'sex dungeon'...
Lucas caught up with C-3PO as he had excused himself from a party to projectile vomit in an alleyway. Lucas dodged the homeless drug addicts who were fleeing the putrid stench and proceeded to brutally beat up one of his "Stars" cutting his hands on 3-CPO's metal face. Once he caught his breath he calmed down and then lectured him on his "Exclusivity" contract and the soon to be upcoming "Empire Strikes Back" movie as he dragged him to his pickup truck and threw him in it.
The next stop was the Betty Ford clinic to detox the cybernetic construct and try to get him functional again in time for Empire Strikes Back filming. The treatment went well as C-3PO was grateful to think clearly again and still have his top acting position and a second undeserved chance. He had stressed his body and its rumored the scene where he was disassembled and rescued from a smelter by Chewbacca was inserted by Lucas to cover the scars on his chassis that were hard to cover even with filler compound and gold paint.
The miracle according to George Lucas was his success in his efforts to cover up the Porn Film and company and somehow keep the media off of the subject. He quickly bought out the full film rights or more accurately let them sign it to him in exchange for not dragging them to court. To avoid legal issues he seized all the props and paid the actors money in exchange for silence contracts. Some asked to be background characters in later films for a chance at being real actresses actors and it's argued by fans some showed up in makeup in Return of the Jedi or the background in Cloud City. This wasn't extortion on their part but generosity and constant need for extras by Lucas himself and if true the 'porn' ladies were just normal professional workers helping his great film machine no hidden vulgarity was added.
George Lucas considered it miraculous that the C-3PO incident didn't derail Star Wars as he was a critical character and hard to replace. The media of the time was a large collection of many independent tv stations, newspapers, reporters then - not the monolithic corporate controlled entertainment content we have today where about six companies control in cooperation without competition over at least 90% of the content the public is allowed to see. Back then, even a big player like George Lucas could not suppress a story of importance or big scandal like it could be today with a phone call.
It was speculated it went unnoticed because there were simply too many things going on at the time and even in the celebrity gossip world upcoming superstar Sylvester Stallone's porn film took up the attention of the media and public. Also there were many porn films with a plot including ones with heavy sci-fi themes like "Sex World" and "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue"... Thus a G-rated publication franchise like Star Wars was unassociated from the public because of it being seen as too unthinkable anything Adult Only would be released so such films and fictions, comics were clearly the result of the lower end of the market trying to take from a popular franchise, hardly anything new or unusual.
This is published here not to detract from the lifetime of professional achievements of C-3PO, George Lucas and many others but to commit to old school Journalism that the truth must be told!
---End of article - Reddinal Herringe author
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Coming next - STYX and their androids used to guard their Sex-Dungeon!
------Disclaimer----
This is a parody 'news article' done for humor purposes. Like any good hoax some elements of truth are taken and then exaggerated to make a big lie. It is not done to degrade or defame any stars but to have fun playing with a huge ballon of Bantha-shit to see how big it can be inflated!
C-3PO is a fictional character owned by Disney (formerly Lucas) and the actor that played him - Anthony Daniels did NOT to the best of the writer's knowledge go on a drug addiction and pornography wretched crawl in the gutter. It is a joke fiction inspired by the porn film parody "Starship Eros" which the author despite being an Xer and Star Wars (pre-Disney) fan had no knowledge of until very recently.
The latter did obviously use a Halloween mask you could even pick up at a grocery store at the time but they did not modify it enough so it still looked too much like Star Wars's C-3PO. Lucas is big at catching bootlegs which he grabs and says nothing and his aides educate people on the term "Copyright" that he OWNS legally that lead cast bootleg figure you picked up in Tijuana unless he sold it to you via you buying a real one from the toy store. So the film indeed vanished mostly until the modern www internet and there is a DMCA whack-a-mole game going on. As an example of "element of truth" in a good leg-pulling they do play a fast game of whack-a-mole with "Phantom Edits" that are seen as a more serious criticism of their storytelling.
The pictures (Adult movie cover and screenshots) I posted here with censorship for taste where needed are "For Review and Parody Purposes" and covered under America's free speech and expression and freedom of the press laws. I'll note of this there is a phone book thick stack of legal documents thanks to Mad Magazine, National Lampoon and Larry Flynt Publications ensuring the free speech rights of parody, fair use, etc. Furthermore there are quite a few new parodies of Star Wars in the "Adult Entertainment" section to replace this gem of the past and openly sold for years. No one in their right mind would think these were "Official" Star Wars products so the "Trademark Confusion" argument Disney occasionally uses does not apply. The latter is why most emerging Public Domain characters appear in grisly horror movies - a kids classic format cartoon would be shut down or kept in expensive legal time wasting due to the "Trademark Confusion" issue. But just as Disney doesn't release it's main characters in gross horror it also doesn't make XXX adult only content for them.
(2) - Porn Chiq - Porn becoming fashionable, mainstream, having plots... A few years in the 1970s.
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